Thursday, August 24, 2006

24wks & my brother

Well, I was 24wks yesterday and I borrowed my sisters’ fetal heart monitor b/c the baby made me nervous with no movement again this past Saturday. I found the h/b right away and since then I swear I've been feeling him more often.

Yesterday we had someone come and take measurements to remodel our full bath downstairs. I don't think it looks bad (nothing like the upstairs bathrooms) but it really can use some revamping and we want to get that done before Austin moves down there and takes over that bathroom.
My list is a mile long these days of things that need to be done before the baby gets here. It’s crazy. I’m most concerned about relocating Austin mainly because he’s not thrilled about it – now - but in a year or two, he LOVE that bedroom, it’s bigger than mine. When I get him relocated, I’ll feel as though a load was lifted.

I could go on and on about my “list” but I won’t. I’m sure I’ll get here (to my journal) about things as they come. I would like to type it out one day when I have time but work has been VERY busy, taking my time, and I don’t get online at home b/c it’s slow it’s frustrating.

I also got news regarding my brother today – the one that’s in jail… Unfortunately, I don’t think he’ll be getting out anytime soon b/c right before he went to jail he apparently wrote fraudulent checks (his checks with a zero account balance - does that make them fraudulent or bounced?). It’s all catching up to him as they now have my mother’s address and there are warrants out for his arrest. What can I say? The way I feel is: You do the crime; you do the time. My mother is blowing it out of proportion b/c she needs the drama in her life and it’s pathetic. She needs help. I do love her, I do but the older I get the less respect I have.

Have a wonderful day.

Monday, August 14, 2006

22wks and still worried

Why oh Why can't I relax this pregnancy?

I know that it's b/c of my miscarriage history (I always feel like the other shoe is going to drop) and b/c my sister lost my nephew at 26wks. They said that while they don't know when he "died" in utero, that he measured 22wks gestation. She had her 20wk sono and everything looked great but I guess it wasn't as great as they all thought, something was wrong. I saw my nephew and he looked "perfect", they say it was a cord issues - too narrow or something along those lines but what if... ...

But I'm 22wks, 23 on Wednesday but gosh, the smallest thing happens and I freak.

Why am I journaling about this today? Well, because I've noticed that if I want to feel the baby move all I really need to do is place my hand at my pantyline and he'll give me a thump. So this morning I wake up, have breakfast and I decide that I want to feel baby move, I go lay down on my bed, place my hand in said place and waited. Nothing. I moved around, jostled my belly and waited for movement...nothing. So I get up brush my teeth and get ready to jump in the shower but I must first go check for movement...nothing. I shower and try again...nothing. I'm sure you can see where this is going. I never did get to feel him this morning and now I have myself wondering if everything is ok.

As I sit at work now, I think I might feel some slight movement/kicks in there and it's enough to reassure me for now but I wish that I could sit back with the same ignorant bliss I had when I was pregnant with Austin.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Um, Wow?

I don't even know where to begin with this entry but it's one that must be written.

I'm going to go back quite a few years....

When I was 7 my dad left us. My mom and dad divorced and each got remarried... My dad lived in FL (we were in PA) so I never met his wife... However, living with my mom, we got the joys of living with her new husband or my step-dad, Rich. My mom went into this relationship with 4 children (3 daughters and a son), Rich went into it with 3 sons - together they had my baby brother.

Rich was an abusive (I'm talking: physical, emotional & sexual) alcoholic. I don't believe, out of the 8 kids and my mom, that any of us were spared from his abuse. I could list some of the horrific moments of my childhood but I won't, just know that it was bad.

My mom, eventually, left him. It wasn't as easy as that since he stalked and threatened us with a gun in his possession but we managed to get away. My mom left with her children and my baby brother (who's father gave up parental rights to and let my -real- dad adopt him when my dad and mom remarried each other a few years later down the road - complicated I know), his children stayed with him.

It's been approximately 20yrs since we've seen him and our "step brothers", who my mom legally adopted.

Monday my baby brother, who is now 24, was contacted through his Myspace account by my youngest "step-brother", who is now 26. I KNEW this day would come... they are 1/2 brothers and each have been casually looking for the other. I'm not even sure if my baby brother remembers him but it was the fact that he had 3 half brothers out there that nagged him.

My baby brother is ecstatic but he knows none of his "real" father's actions. Basically, no one will tell him unless he asks, so far he hasn't asked... I don't even know how much my step-brother remembers since he was so young as well...

I, myself, am torn as to whether or not I should contact my step brother. He never did anything to me, as a matter of fact, he was only 6 when I last saw him but I'm not sure I want to open that can of worms since on his "Myspace" page he lists his father as one of his heroes. I don't need or want his father back in my life. The thought of it, alone, scares me to death.

My baby brother has plans to meet my step brother over Labor day weekend. I'll update more when there's more to say.